New Year resolutions

by Bee

I have . . .

TWO.

My resolutions for 2008 are to foster

1.Kindness (a warm heart) and

2.Tolerance (an open mind)

in my interactions.

I sense . . .

that practising these precepts is not as straightforward as they appear.

I'm not even completely sure what they entail.

I read . . .

various definitions of kindness. They include words like 'nice', 'polite', 'generous', 'compassionate'. To me, it means empathy and the desire to make someone's life, including your own, a tad easier.

Like the conductor in a crowded bus who asks you how you are, and gives you a smile as he hands you your ticket. Partly, he's doing it to make your journey less tedious. Partly, he's doing it for himself, to reaffirm his ability to make a positive difference.

The true expression of non-violence is compassion. Some people seem to think that compassion is just a passive emotional response instead of rational stimulus to action. To experience genuine compassion is to develop a feeling of closeness to others combined with a sense of responsibility for their welfare. True compassion develops when we ourselves want happiness and not suffering for others, and recognize that they have every right to pursue this. - the Dalai Lama

I have resolved to be kind to others, as well as to myself. In fact, I need to practise kindness towards myself first.

Hence, I have resolved to do something nice for myself every day, no matter how big or small. It is important to step back, reflect for a moment, and resist the temptation to be too harsh or judgemental on oneself. I also will forgive myself for letting others make me feel that I am not good enough.

I will also try to do atleast one kind deed towards others every day. That means telling them how much they mean to me, or by simply refraining from losing my temper when I am tempted to.

Easier said and done, but what have I got to lose by trying?

Here's Aristotle's understanding of tolerance.

“It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.”

Entertaining an opposing point of view as a possibility is much more difficult than it appears.

I ask . . .

How are kindness and tolerance different from doormatdom?

I have no romantic illusions of getting along famously with the rest of the world and of being able to interact with others in a manner that is unconditionally compassionate and non-judgemental.

Let's face it. There's a lot of toxic, selfish behaviour around me. I display it too, from time to time.

Dealing with it takes up a lot of my energy. Trying to ignore it while being the brunt of it only fosters stress and resentment. My solution is to detach by saying, "That person behaves this way because that's the best way he/she knows to respond to these cirumstances."

I'm not condoning that behaviour, I'm not making excuses for it. I'm just choosing to stay away from it. If the person who exhibits that behaviour wants to know why I am distancing myself from him/her, I tell him/her that 'x' action bothers me.

They can choose to make amends if they want to. If they don't, I will keep my distance, because it is my duty to be kind to myself.

Similarly, if I exhibit behaviour that I realise is offensive to someone else, I will apologise and change my behaviour. Whether to accept the apology or not is up to them. If they do not accept my apology, it is their prerogative as the injured party, and I have to respect that as well.

Kindness to me is all about respect and boundaries. I enforce and maintain my boundaries, and try to respect those of others. It is a lot of work, but I'm hoping it will get easier with time and practice.

There will be people who will call you 'mean' if you choose not to interact with them. However, as long as I am not harming them, slandering them, or exploiting them, I am being kind to myself and to them by keeping my distance.

Being kind to myself includes not letting myself be guilted when I am called 'mean'.

If I do not place my hand over a hot stove, I am not being mean to the stove. I am merely acknowledging that a hot stove is not good for my hand.

The energy I would have spent interacting with folks who stress me out can be better chanelled in the company of others who energise me.

For someone as opinionated and vocal as myself, being 'tolerant', personally, is a much bigger challenge than being kind.

I respect everyone's right to voice their opinions. So, if someone wants to worship toenails, or drink camel piss at teatime, I respect their right to do that. Now, respecting someone's right to do or say something is not the same as respecting the belief or deed itself.

I think . . .

worshipping toenails is weird. Not wrong, but weird.

And I think hunting for sport is plain wrong.

The problem of tolerance lies in how to combine loyalty to one's own value system with the value systems of others. Worshipping toenails just strikes me as quirky. Discriminating against gays in the workplace does clash with my value system.

My aim is to uphold my belief system in my own life and try to minimise my interactions with establishments and people whose practices clash with my values.
I respect their right to express themselves, but I am not compelled to give their beliefs the same weight as I give my own.

Is it judgmental for me to avoid buying the products of a company with sexist hiring policies? Probably. But as Will Rogers pointed out, "Broad-minded is just another way of saying a fellow's too lazy to form an opinion."

I don't expect to change the mind of the person who doesn't want gays in the army. Denying someone the right to express himself/herself is intolerance. Refusing to accept or embrace that viewpoint is not intolerance.

If that person joins my biking club, I'm not going to make him feel unwelcome. However, if he talks about keeping gays out of the club, I will definitely voice my opinion.

Hence, to me, being tolerant implies not allowing myself to be gaslighted or made to believe that I am bigoted because I think putting toenails in a silver vial and lighting a candle in front of it is silly. If my friend wants a ride to a place to worship toenails, I may drive her there, but if she asks me to join in the worship, I will decline.

If she wants to go hunting for sport, and asks me to join, I will tell her, "I won't, because I think it is wrong." I may even deny her a ride, because killing an animal for sport clashes with my value system.

By the same token, I have to accept that in a free, pluralistic society, if I state that the life of a deer is as valuable as the life of a man, someone may think I am silly, and say so.

Novelist Tom Robbins hit the nail on the head when he said, “Stay committed to your decisions, but stay flexible in your approach.”



Dear reader, I wish you a New Year that is productive and peaceful. How do you define kindness and tolerance? I'd love to know.

- Bee